REVIEW: Fired Up! (2009)
Fired Up!
Rated: PG-13
Runtime: 89 minutes
Starring: Nicholas D'Agosto, Eric Christian Olsen.
My rating: 1 stars
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Spell it out, spell, spell it out. S-P-E-L-L I-T O-U-T. Spell... It... OUT!
Two high school football stars decide they don't want to go to football camp in El Paso, Tx, because there aren't girls there. Where is there a bottomless pit of hot girls? Cheerleader camp.
That should be enough to make you run away from Fired Up!. But its demographic is not anyone over 18 years old or probably the people reading this. Its demographic is very specific: 16-18-year-old boys. Everyone else should stay far, far away.
Nick (Eric Christian Olsen) and Shawn (Nicholas D'Agostio) have slept with all the attractive girls at their high school already, except, for whatever reason, any of the cheerleaders. I found that odd considering usual teen sex comedies have the cheerleaders fawning over the football stars. I suppose that is the only cliché this film doesn't have.
You'll know enough about the movie to stop watching after 10 minutes. Not necessarily because it's bad, but because the 10-year-olds (Yes, 10-year-olds. I checked.) in the audience with me were accurately and vocally predicting the movie.
Nick and Shawn want to find fresh meat (crunch, badonka-donk, and snooch are some of the other descriptions used) at cheer camp, where there are 300 girls they haven't yet “tapped.” To do this, they must first convince their high school cheer squad to let them join.
The Tigers are so bad they've finished dead last in the camp's cheer competition every year. They're desperate for help. The team's captain, Carly (Sarah Roemer), doesn't want Nick or Shawn on the team, but the coach allows it since it is the only hope of them winning.
Nick and Shawn each meet one girl at camp they can't “bag” immediately. This forces them to learn about themselves and women before they get the girl. Luckily it only takes 89 minutes.
There are two funny characters in this movie: Dr. Rick (David Walton) and Camp coach Byrnes (Philip Barker Hall).
Dr. Rick is not a doctor. He's a med-school freshmen. He calls himself a doctor because “why delay the inevitable?” He is Carly's two-timing boyfriend and the only thing in Shawn's way of getting her.
Coach Byrnes is the effeminate camp leader. He is married to Diora (Molly Sims). Nick wants to get with Diora. Blah, blah, blah. I am done explaining the plot.
There are gay jokes. Not funny ones. “That's pretty gay” comes out of Nick when Shawn explains his feelings for Carly. I HATE that phrase. It's finally made its way into movies after years in high school. Gay, in that context, is suppose to mean stupid. Pathetic writing.
There are sexist jokes, of course. Again, not funny ones. I'm not saying I don't have a sense of humor. I loved Superbad. There's a difference though. In Superbad, the flow of the language came naturally, and the jokes weren't masked behind a hundred different nicknames for vagina to avoid an R rating.
Fired Up! got the point where I didn't know if the characters were talking about chests, bottoms, fronts or backs. It was “hoo-has”, “bobbity-boops”, and on and on just so they could get that PG-13 rating. Then those 10-year-olds in the theater with me would be allowed to see it without a huge concern from parents. Take them to Coraline, which is still playing.
There is nothing worth seeing in Fired Up!. That is, unless you're 16-18-years-old and a boy. I warn them too – you don't see a full “rack”. Go watch Porky's for something far better and the nudity you may have hoped for in this one. What's Porky's? Ask your parents 16-year-olds.
There might be some girls in that age group that will enjoy Fired Up! as well. Give them three years and make them re-watch it. I guarantee their opinion will change.
It's a stupid movie, with a stupid plot and stupid characters making stupid jokes. One star.
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Where it's playing?
Canton/Potsdam: Click here for current listings.
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