Property assessments a guessing game in Potsdam

"Good morning, Acme Property Assessor Training Academy, how may I help you?"

I told the lovely but slightly nasally voice on the phone that I wanted to be the property assessor for the town of Potsdam and was interested in getting some training for the job. She laughed.

“Training, sir? You said, `Potsdam' ... the one in New York, right? You don’t really need training for that job. I mean, we’ll let you pony up the $150 to take our course if you insist. But for fifteen bucks you can get the book, `Property Assessing for Dummies.' It covers everything you’ll need to know.”

So I thanked her, hung up, then ran out to buy the book. Like all the “...for Dummies” books, it was bright yellow with juvenile art on the cover. The drawing on this one was a stick man taking a photograph of a stick house. Underneath the house it said: POTSDAM EDITION. It was thinner than most books of its ilk. Everything you need to know about being a Potsdam assessor in only five chapters and an introduction.

Introduction

Our franchise requires us to imply you are a dummy if you bought this book. But if you want to be the Potsdam assessor, you are no dummy. The job is easy, pays well and, the way the system is set up, it is fairly impossible to do your job poorly enough to be fired. Who wouldn’t want to be the assessor in Potsdam? Dummies.

Chapter 1: Drive by shooting

The first step – and the bulk of your work - is to make it appear you are collecting data for your records. Do this by driving around town with a camera. Every so often, park the car in the street to draw as much attention to yourself as you can, get out and snap a photograph of a house – preferably one whose owner is outside raking the lawn. It is important to give taxpayers the impression that you are doing your job. Do this every day for months.

Chapter 2: Guess-essing

It is time to slap some values on town properties. The taxpayer thinks that you use the photos you took to refresh your memory when determining property values. Which is good, because that’s what you want them to think. Truth is, photos just muddy the water and make your job cumbersome. You don’t have to know what a property looks like to guess what it might be worth. Chapter 1 was for show, Chapter 2 is for dough. So start guessing. Go low. Go high. Hit the mark on occasion. It just doesn’t matter.

Chapter 3: You can’t be wrong

No taxpayer is going to complain if you go low in guess-essing their property. That’s a fact. And a lot of taxpayers whose property you guess-ess too high are not going to complain, either. Here’s why: they think your goal is to be fair and equitable so that everyone pays their fair share of taxes. People, as a rule, don’t mind paying taxes that are fairly distributed. (See, “Property Assessing for Dummies: ALL TOWNS BUT POTSDAM EDITION.”) They assume if you jacked their house’s assessment up by $20,000, you also jacked up their neighbor’s comparable house by $20,000. The beauty is they don’t often check. The only problem you will have are with the taxpayers who do check and find that their 1,200-square-foot house is assessed higher than their neighbor’s 1,200-square-foot house. But the system covers that for you: If someone complains, all you have to do is amend your guess to what they think the assessment should fairly be. Voila! Happy taxpayer. Problem solved.

Chapter 4: Make the whiners work

Remember it is not your responsibility to get things right. If the taxpayer thinks you got something wrong, make them prove it. That’s another beauty about this system: You don’t have to show taxpayers photos, or explain how you came to the conclusion that their small house was worth more than a bigger and better house down the street. They have to show you! If they do the legwork and have the evidence that your guess-essment was wrong, tell them you’ll review their information and get back to them in two weeks. Don’t answer questions or make any changes on the spot – that would hurt your credibility. If they don’t do the legwork and just come in to whine that their assessment is too high, tell them to take it up with the Board of Assessment Review.

Chapter 5: Board of Assessment Review

You’ll have to sit in the room and listen while taxpayers explain to a panel of appointed taxpayers – ones who have the power to change your guess-essment - how you got things wrong. Sometimes taxpayers will refer to you as “the moron” when making their case. Suck it up. Even the best jobs have flaws. But remember from Chapter 3 that it is impossible for you to be wrong. If your guess-essment is changed, tell everyone you know that it was the Board of Assessment Review who got things wrong. Stand by your guess.

So, that’s it. That’s everything you need to know to be the assessor in the town of Potsdam. The sad part is I am pretty certain Potsdam Assessor Kim Bisonette has read this book. He might even have written it. I guess I have no chance of getting the job. He's too good at what he does.