REVIEW: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Rated: PG-13

Runtime: 150 minutes

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox and Robots.

My rating: 1 stars

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As I came out of the theater, ears ringing from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, my friend shouted for me to hear, “I think they could have cut some of it.”

“Like what?” I screamed back.

“The whole middle,” he said.

That’s generally not a sign of a good movie. In fact, it’s a sign of a really bad, really long one.

I don’t really know what happened in this movie. I know it’s some sort of race war between the Prime robot-aliens and the Decepticons, but I don’t really know why. All the movie told me was that this alien species, like humans, is capable of intense emotion and violence.

We don’t see the emotional side, but we do see some pretty awesome violence and slow-motion robot kung-fu moves. Oh, and somehow Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is the key to the whole throw-down.

He’s gone off to college where women are far more attractive than at any college I’ve ever been. His girlfriend (Megan Fox) is allegedly an 18-year-old recent high school graduate. I did not know anyone like her in high school either.

My friend – the same one who said he wanted to cut out the middle – probably really meant, “I’m sad Megan Fox wasn’t in the middle part.” I am, too, because I can only watch robots fight each other for so long.

And that time ran out in 2002 when Comedy Central’s “BattleBots” went off the air. Watching a marathon of BattleBots may actually be more exciting because (1) the machines are controlled by humans and (2) they follow the basic rules of physics.

Not that I’m nitpicking here, but I want to know how a truck chasse can turn into a 40-foot-high robot thing.

“He must compartmentalize well,” was my friend’s answer when I asked him that in the theater.

By the time I was in kindergarten, I had amassed over 100 happy meal toys. Thanks, Dad.

A few of these toys were from the Transformers’ television show. I only wish my Optimus Prime grew and morphed from a Hotwheels-sized car into a 3-foot robot. That would have been awesome. But he didn’t, and it wasn’t.

As a result, I conclude this movie is bad for children trying to learn the principles of conservation.

“What?” I know, I hear you. How did I go from saying cut the middle to don’t let your grade school child watch it?

I remember. It’s because these were the things I was thinking about in between checking my watch, getting up to stretch my legs, yawning, and wishing LaBeouf would find whatever he was trying to get so the movie would just end already.

There was one perk toward the end: Megan Fox running in a pink tank top in slow-motion. I think LaBeouf was on screen, too, but I didn’t notice. In fact, Jesus could have appeared next to her and I would have completely missed it.

If you don’t like substance, cohesiveness, plot, writing or acting, you will love this movie. I will never watch this film again or when the third Transformer movie comes out. One star.

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Where it's playing:

Canton/PotsdamSHOWTIMES

Watertown SHOWTIMES

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