REVIEW: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Rated: PG-13
Runtime: 116 minutes
Starring: Channing Tatum, Sienna Miller.
My rating: 2 stars
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G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra delivered on what I expected: A loud, obnoxious, ordinary blockbuster. Chase scenes lasted too long, dramatic pauses for plot were too pointless and Channing Tatum can’t carry the new franchise.
It’s a huge problem when the star of the film appears more confused about what he is doing than we are in awe of what he is doing.
It’s another huge problem when Marlon Wayans is a main character. His last three movies: Dance Flick, Norbit, and Little Man. When I think action star, I think Marlon Wayans.
There was one more huge problem: I began thinking about how much money Hasbro, the toy company that co-produced the film, is going to make off action figures and video game sales.
I will say this: “G.I. Joe: The Video Game” is going to be pretty awesome. It may actually be one of the fist video games spawned from a movie that’s actually better than the film. Note: That is not the actual game title. The game is called “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.”
The film is nothing special, especially for the franchise kickoff. This felt more like a third or fourth movie in a series. Think Spider-Man 3 with more CGI.
The plot is thin at best. The G.I. Joe crew has been summoned to stop McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) from using warheads filled with nanomytes (Controllable bacteria that eat everything in their path). McCullen stole the warheads from the American army and plans to use them for world domination.
Add two hours of explosions, chases, computer graphics and you get a forgettable summer action film.
There is yet another huge problem: Sienna Miller (Ana) is the best actor. Not even Dennis Quaid as General Hawk could save this film from its eternal resting place: The Wal-Mart $5 bin.
I started this review saying Tatum couldn’t carry the franchise. You see, in order to really capture an audience, an actor must be able to act. Tatum plays Duke, the newest addition to the G.I. Joe gang.
Putting an American icon character in Tatum’s hands is risky for someone so young and inexperienced. Couple that with the fact that writers Stuart Beattie and David Elliot gave almost no back story for Duke, and it’s easy to see why Tatum failed so miserably.
If he wants to be the face of G.I. Joe for the next several years – ala Hugh Jackman as Wolverine – then Tatum will need to understand his character better.
I don’t know who Duke is, but I know I’ll be seeing him again in two years when the next G.I. Joe releases. The question is: Will I care to go find out more?
Two stars.
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