Still Kickin' - Death By 1,000 Films, Week 2

So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life

Wow, that's messed up

I thought I was in control. I didn’t think a movie, the physical DVD, could come to life in my head. I thought, I thought, I thought.

Then, 1900 arrived, and it infiltrated my soul.

It came Aug. 20, 2009. It was an otherwise normal day, as I recall. I had a few other movies on the list that were still ahead of it. I didn’t even bother to take notice that it came until I realized there were two DVDs.

There must be some mistake.

Open envelope No. 1 – “1900, Disc 1,” the DVD sleeve read. Open envelope No. 2 – “1900, Disc 2.” Neither said anything about a Bonus Disc with special features or added commentary.

Then I noticed it – the runtime. 1900 is 5 hours, 15 minutes long. Oh… dear… God.

That wasn’t really my first reaction. It was more along the lines of, “This movie better be f***ing good.”

Consult the book:

“This two part, five-hour film is not meant to be entertaining.”

Oh… dear… God.

There it is. I actually said it that time. Then I tried to find a loophole in my original rules. I must, otherwise I will die, and I’ve only barely entered the long, dark tunnel of this godforsaken trek.

Alas! I found it. 1900 is an Italian film. I’m not watching foreign films.

Then I made a costly mistake. I told a movie-buff friend.

“Well, Dan, you’ve already got the discs. You may as well just watch it.”

“I am not going to watch a five-hour film in Italian.”

“How about I watch it with you?”

“Really? Well, alright.”

That happened on Wednesday.

Thursday: Disc 1 was peculiarly positioned on my coffee table. Disc 2 was on the couch, temporarily marking my page in the book. I went to work and asked my friend if he really wanted to go through with this. He said he did. Attempt one at getting out of it failed.

Friday: Disc 1 somehow fell between the pages of yesterday’s paper. Good, I thought, get it out of my sight. Disc 2 was still serving as a bookmark. I opened the book. “This two part, five-hour film is not meant to be entertaining” stared me in the face. Why did I choose to mark this page with this disc? I don’t think I did. I think the DVD came to life just to torment me.

Saturday: Disc 1 was back on the coffee table. It's just mocking me now. “Runtime: 5 hours, 15 minutes.” Shut up. I hate you. I ran to the movie theater to see Julie & Julia. Good movie; not in Italian, and not 5 hours long.

Sunday: The day finally came. Damn it. I positioned both DVDs near my player. I sat and waited for my friend to arrive. He called at 11:03 a.m.

“I don't mean to bail on you, but I'm not going to make it.”

Once more unto the breach, dear friends.

It now was decision time. Should I really go through with this? I had all this build up all week, and complained to enough people that not going through with it would make me look like an ass.

So in the first disc went and the title credits rolled – all in Italian, of course. Then the first character spoke.

And it was in English!

The film, all 5 hours, 15 minutes of it, was dubbed in English. It was a double-edged sword. I didn't have to read through the movie, but I had to ignore the Kung-Fu-like mouth movements. It was OK though, because I knew it would be slightly easier to get through.

Two and a half hours in and nothing had happened. Why is this film 5 hours long? I do not know.

Three and a half hours in and very little had happened. Why is this film 5 hours long? I do not know.

Four and a half hours in and it's getting really awesome. Why did it take four and a half hours for something to happen? I do not know.

When the film finally ended, I was tired, hungry, but the overwhelming thought in my head was: I could make this movie in two hours or less. I was slightly angry I spent nearly half my waking hours watching this movie Sunday. It is slow; it is painful; and it's importance to American cinema is arguably limited.

It was nice, however, to see a young Robert De Niro, who plays the aristocrat. This was, of course, back when he cared about acting. Those days are long gone, apparently. Remember when he was awesome in Deer Hunter? So do I. 1900 put him on the map for good. Meet the Fockers degraded him.

A man once told me, “Humans always expect the worst, but when whatever they are worried about is over, they're still alive, and they're still breathing.”

'Tis true. I spent many hours worrying about 1900, including before, during and after watching the other films from the list this week - 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, The Adventures of Robin Hood and Adam's Rib.

In the end, as I sat and reflected, my worries seemed somewhat ridiculous and unnecessary. But I don't see you staring down a 5-hour flick you know is going to be boring and incomprehensible. So don't judge me. Instead, pray for me.

Pray I don't have to spend another day alone, watching a 5-hour film few people know about. Pray that the nutrition lost from eating two bags of Sour Patch Kids for lunch won't kill me. Pray this stomach ache will go away. Pray I live to make it through the next week of Death by 1,000 Films.

From the beginning; Week 3

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THE MOVIES

2001: A Space Odyssey. Rated: UR. Year: 1968. My Rating: 2 out of 5 stars. A brief thought: Do people just buy the hype? Rottentomatoes.com has it at 92 percent. IMDB has it as its 92nd best film. Never have I been more confused, bored and just waiting for a movie to end. What is even happening in the last 20 minutes? I feel like you need acid, marijuana and a lot of alcohol to enjoy an afternoon with 2001: A Space Odyssey. This film did not age well.

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12 Angry Men (Already seen). Rated: UR. Year: 1957. My Rating: 4 out of 5 stars. A brief thought: Really a classic film. The reason it's not a full 5-star film is because, for me, I felt the pacing dragged just slightly at a few spots. That said, it's still a fantastic watch and highly recommended.

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1900. Rated: UR. Year: 1977. My Rating: 2 out of 5 stars. A brief thought: Really long (5 hours, if you didn't read above). It comes in two parts, so it can be broken up over a day or two, if necessary. The first part is horrendously long and slow, but the second part picks up and is actually rather redeeming... once you get to it.

NO TRAILER AVAILABLE

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The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Rated: UR. Year: 1994. My Rating: 3 out of 5 stars. A brief thought: Can I actually care about a movie that involves two drag queens and a transsexual? Apparently, which is why this movie was a pleasant surprise as I hurtle toward death, one movie at a time.

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The Adventures of Robin Hood. Rated: PG. Year: 1938. My Rating: 4 out of 5 stars. A brief thought: The split arrow, to this day, is still movie magic. Fun, right to the end. I thoroughly enjoyed each minute of this highly entertaining legendary tale.

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Adam's Rib. Rated: UR. Year: 1949. My Rating: 4 out of 5 stars. A brief thought: Hilarious, entertaining with tight and witty writing. Hepburn and Tracy are fantastic together. It's an early courtroom drama pitting husband (Tracy) against wife (Hepburn) as lawyers for the prosecution and defense.

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THE LIST

1. Adam's Rib

2. 12 Angry Men

3. The Adventures of Robin Hood

4. The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

5. 42nd Street

6. The 39 Steps

7. 1900

8. 2001: A Space Odyssey