REVIEW: Sorority Row (2009) ONE STAR
Sorority Row
Rated: R
Runtime: 90 minutes
Starring: Briana Evigan
My rating: 1 star
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I was praying for all our heroines to die, and that was a huge problem.
None of the Theta-Pi sorority girls has a redeeming quality. They are all dimwitted twits whose only purpose in Sorority Row is to look good and deliver ear-piercing screams. They all succeeded in that.
Where the killer didn't succeed was in killing them fast enough.
A horror movie works when the director and writer adhere to a few rules. The first: have a likeable character the audience can pull for. The second: make the killer scary.
Neither is achieved in Sorority Row, which takes the I Know What You Did Last Summer concept to shallower depths. I didn't think that was possible.
A group of sorority sisters plan to trick a cheating boy, Garrett (Matt O'Leary), who also happens to be one of the sisters' brother. He's hooking up with another sister, Megan (Audrina Patridge), when she begins to convulse and spit vomit.
She's faking, and we know this because the other sisters are watching from a hidden camera. She fakes her death and as the group drags her to some deserted mine, Garrett stabs her with a tire iron, killing her for real before he discovers the big prank. They dump her down a shaft to hide the body and eight months later friends start popping up dead, all killed with a tire iron.
“You're being borderline retarded,” says Jessica (Leah Pipes), the blonde, alpha sister. No, Jessica, this movie is, and I hate you.
I hated Jessica because, as one of the sister's describes her, “She makes being a bitch an art form.” I hated Ellie (Rumer Willis) because she doesn't appear to have any need in being in the movie other than she is the best screamer of the bunch. I hated Chugs (Margo Harshman) because I thought her name was “Jugs,” which would have been more fitting seeing as she fit the “sorostitute” cliché. I hated Claire (Jamie Chung) because she seemed to only cry and whine about nonsense. I hated Cassidy (Briana Evigan) because she was too annoying and I was trying to figure out if she was somehow related to Rashida Jones. She's not.
And I really hated Maggie (Caroline D'Amore) because I thought she was a younger sister of Danica McKellar.
Of course, I wouldn't have ever thought of these things had the film been remotely engaging. But it wasn't, so I was left either watching the minutes pass on my watch or playing these games:
Which sister is going to die first?
Which sister is going to save the day?
How many boobies can I see?
How many clichés do I count?
I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter T.
Nope, it's not the Theta logo on the dilapidated house.
No, it's not a Tire iron used to kill people.
No, it's not a Twit sorority girl.
It's a Terrible movie! Yay. One star.
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Where it's playing:
Canton/PotsdamSHOWTIMES
Watertown SHOWTIMES
