Casualties of war: Fort Drum widows

FORT DRUM — When Lindsey Christopher-Paranzino answered her door last November, the two Army officers standing on her doorstep didn’t have to say a word. She knew immediately that her husband, Sgt. Michael F. Paranzino, had been killed in Afghanistan.

An improvised explosive device killed the 22-year-old cavalry scout serving with the 10th Mountain Division. And at that moment Mrs. Paranzino and her sons, 10-year-old Logan S. and 3-year-old Maxton F., became one of the hundreds of 10th Mountain Division families who have lost a loved one in Iraq or Afghanistan

The Army was supposed to be only a temporary commitment for Sgt. Paranzino, Middletown, R.I.

“He was ready to finish his four years and come home and take care of me, and our marriage, and take care of the kids and be with his parents and his brother,” she said.

Her reaction to the death of her husband of three years was more pragmatic toward her children than emotional for her.

“There was nothing that was going to make me better, but my first thoughts were, ‘How am I going to keep a roof over their head?’” she said.

The two officers she met at the door were there not only to notify her and support her in the grieving process, but to help her navigate the cumbersome military benefits packages.

“Right there on the spot, I had to make all these decisions,” she said.

“The hardest conversation I had was sitting down with my 3-year-old and saying out loud, ‘When you die, your body stops working. Daddy died and his body couldn’t work anymore and we had to bury him in the ground, and that’s why daddy can’t come home,’” she said.

His calm and understanding reaction was both surprising and soothing.

“He was so sweet about it,” she said.

The boy feels pain, but not directly from the death, his mother said.

“Daddy dying isn’t what’s hurting him; daddy not coming home is what hurts him,” she said. “He just wants his dad home and when he gets older, I’m sure he’ll grieve in a different way.”

Her elder son had a greater understanding of death but felt angry, he said.

When a soldier dies on active duty, the family receives a $100,000 “death gratuity” payment, a term Mrs. Paranzino wishes the military would change.

The money and the friendship of north country residents led Mrs. Paranzino to stay in the north country and start a photography and video business.

“I went out of my way to find where I belong when I got up here,” she said.

The north country supports military survivors, said the Rev. Kirk S. Gilchrist, pastor of the New Life Christian Church.

“They bring meals, they help baby-sit, they spend hours and hours at the house, they cut lawns, they wash windows,” he said.

He has seen this occur at his church some half dozen times and he also has helped surviving spouses notify their children, including the young daughter of a Fort Drum pilot who died recently in Afghanistan.

The Rev. Mr. Gilchrist said the girl ran upstairs after hearing the news. Her mother assumed she left to grab her favorite stuffed animal to console herself.

But she didn’t. Instead, the girl returned with her dad’s aviator wings.

“She pinned them and polished her wings,” the Rev. Mr. Gilchrist said.

Such items that show a soldier’s accomplishments often serve as a memorial.

Mrs. Paranzino wears her late husband’s dog tags and wedding ring on a chain around her neck. The boys care for “Daddy Bear,” a stuffed animal they created at Fort Drum’s Casualty Assistance Center.

Mrs. Paranzino keeps her family busy as a way to cope with the loss. During the day she sets up her business. She already has lined up some jobs she’s excited about. On the weekends, the young family explores the north country.

Mrs. Paranzino made many decisions in November. Moving forward was one of them.

“I didn’t want to survive,” she said. “I wanted to make sure we’re living and appreciating life.”