REVIEW: Footloose (2011)

Footloose

Rated: PG-13

Starring: Kenny Wormald, Julianne Hough

My rating: 2 stars

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Everything is better with Bacon, and there is no Bacon in the remake of “Footloose.”

The original, released in 1984, starred Kevin Bacon as our boy hero, Ren, fresh off the bus from Boston, ready to make a new life in a small, southern town where, gasp, dancing is forbidden because three years prior five teenagers were killed in a car accident coming home from a dance party.

That remains true in the remake, starring Kenny Wormald (who?) as Ren. Wormald has starred in such films as “You Got Served”, “Center Stage: Turn it Up” and a two-episode stint on the television show “Dancelife.” That is to say Wormald is a dancer first, actor second.

Therein lies the problem with the “Footloose” reboot. The cast is a collection of dancers better suited for the stage than film. The love interest, Ariel, is played by Julianne Hough. She's best known for her work as a dancer-coach on “Dancing with the Stars.”

So now we have a movie that is a remake (by rule, never as good as the original) filled with dancers, not actors, in the lead roles. It was obvious from the start – and once more when Hough attempts to cry in a scene where her eyes do not water, do not turn red and a tear does not trickle down her cheek – that this is a painfully acted two hours.

I prayed and pleaded that around the next corner Bacon would appear. Sadly, he did not, despite the multiple opportunities for a cameo (He could have played the cop who gives Ren a ticket! Come on, Hollywood).

But whilst sitting through the dancing and remade iconic scenes that didn't work in the “modernized” version of the film, I managed to play, in my head, a game: Six degrees of Kevin Bacon. It was difficult, and I couldn't find the match for Wormald or Hough in the theater. Don't worry, it's there.

I started with Dennis Quaid, who plays Ariel's preacher father and the father of one of the boys killed in the film's opening sequence. He spearheaded the town's campaign to ban dancing and, ultimately, must be won over before the town can move on.

Anyway, Quaid was in “Vantage Point” along with Matthew Fox. Fox played next to Neve Campbell in the TV show “Party of Five.” And Campbell played a high school girl mixed in a love triangle with Matt Dillon and Denise Richards in “Wild Things,” which features, as a cop, Kevin Bacon.

Andie MacDowell plays Quaid's wife in “Footloose.” Her path is quite easy as well. She starred next to Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day.” Murray worked with Steve Martin on “Saturday Night Live.” Martin starred in “Planes, Trains and Automobiles,” in which the Taxi Racer was played by Kevin Bacon.

But then it became more difficult, and I was forced to return to the office to find the next two connections, which, by the way, is way more fun than sitting through this cliché-filled, poorly-updated 2011 version of “Footloose.”

Julianne Hough. I wasn't sure I could do it, but thanks to IMDB.com, I managed. Her partner on “Dancing with the Stars” was Cody Linley. He appeared as Spit McGee in “My Dog Skip,” which starred Kevin Bacon.

Finally, there's Wormald, who will not enjoy the same Bacon-level success in his acting career. Wormald appeared in “Clerks II” next to Kevin Smith. Smith, as his alter-ego Silent Bob, was in “Scream 3,” along with Neve Campbell. You know where it goes from there.

Wasn't this review better with Bacon? I just wish "Footloose" had some.