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Tue., Jun. 2
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Resident reveals plot to get name O’Mitted

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The first inkling of the existence of this vast conspiracy occurred when I was attempting to access my employment records on the Social Security website.

The instructions directed me to enter my name as it appeared on my Social Security card (William R. O’Connor). After several attempts, I was locked out of the system and instructed to call the 1-800 number.

When I finally got to talk to a live person, she politely informed me that the federal computer system could not handle the apostrophe in my name. The programmers were at the time fixing the problem by eliminating the apostrophe. She was unmoved by concerns that the simple punctuation mark went to the heart of my cultural identity.

The next incident happened while trying to Free File on the IRS site and was given an incorrect name error. It was this second incident that made me realize the extent of the plot and its reasons.

The campaign is surely driven from the very top of the federal government. Mr. Obama is the source and the motivation is obvious: The apostrophe and what it represents (Irish heritage) brings to Mr. Obama’s mind his own inadequacies.

With the apostrophe, President O’Bama could walk into any Irish pub in America and order a half and half and his fellow patrons would think him a son of the old sod. Without it, Mr. Obama is just another politician with a case of Irish envy. I can picture the president sitting at breakfast eating a bowl of Lucky Charms cereal and dreaming of what might have been.

If it were just a matter of one man’s shortcomings, I would keep silent. But the plot goes much deeper: The apostrophe in my name carries a long struggle from the Great Famine to the Easter Rising and the creation of the Irish Republic and the search in this country for a better life. Mr. Obama wishes to bring us all down to his unpunctuated level.

The Austrian economists were right: We are all on the road to serfdom, but it is not ObamaCare that is leading us there but this attack on punctuation that will get us to the brave new world. Mark my words, historians 50 years hence will say the republic was lost for want of an apostrophe. Mr. President, give me back my name.

W. R. O’Connor


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